An island

I am on an island. Alone. I am an outsider looking in. I am never really "one of them," always an afterthought. I don't mean to dismiss or minimize the family connections I have but I do mean to speak the honest reality. My adopted family, because of the boundaries I have established as a…

Panic

Panic attacks and anxiety still haunt me. While the frequency occurs less and less, my nervousness can creap up unexpectedly and completely take over making it nearly impossible to breathe in some instances. And it happened again today. My adopted mom wanted to spend time with my daughter before school starts next week. She had…

Choices

I was recently reminded of the power of choices. We are constantly making choices from what to order at the coffee shop to who we want to spend our time with throughout the day. My Dad had a choice to meet me in January. He had a choice as to whether or not he picked…

Family by marriage

My husband is 28 years older than I am. I very, rarely admit the exact number of years he is my senior. It is obvious when we are together that there is, in fact, an age difference however, the exact number of years is rarely spoken out loud. When we married almost 15 years ago,…

Tug Of War

I am the rope in a three-way tug of war: my adopted family, my biological Mom and my biological Dad. On one hand, they all want to spend time with me, talk with me, see me. On the other hand, the unspoken expectation is not to acknowledge the other family(s) exists and to act as…

It’s Legal

August 1, 2018 At 8:41 a.m., I officially took my Father's last name! One June 30, 2018, my Dad and my Aunty honored my daughter and I with Hawaiian and Tahitian names. It is difficult to fully explain the emotional experience of being part of such a beautiful naming ceremony (see Our Hawaiian Names post…

Heart Break

How do I protect someone's heart when I know the truth will hurt? My Mom was in town visiting. I'm sure she was curious about my time in Hawaii but wasn't pushing for details. She decided to extend her stay and rented a beach house. After dinner, while the kids played and with a glass…

Home Sweet Home

July 23, 2018 We arrived home at 9 p.m. Washington time. I felt off-balance. I was glad to be home but it felt different to be home, I was different. I am starting to realize I have changed. I feel more confident, even more bold. A willingness to stretch knowing I have such significant family…

See you soon

July 22, 2018 My Dad cried tonight. He wouldn't say good-bye only that he would see me soon. He held on tightly telling me my family loved me, my brothers, my Auntys, my Uncles and my cousins and finally that he loved me. This very tall, large Hawaiian man cried telling how much I meant…

It’s packing time

July 21, 2018 It is night 31 of our 32 night stay. Our bags are packed lining the hallway to the door. We are planning to run the family gauntlet tomorrow seeing everyone individually. I'm already tearing up as we prepare for our impending departure from Hawaii. My husband and daughter are so excited. As…